Walk A Mile in His Shoes

The Kids Did It!

I’m sure many of us have experienced a child look at us with solemnity in their eyes and say with all dishonesty, “It was her - she did it!” or, “It wasn’t my fault - blame him!” or “Not fair - he made me do it!”

Most of us can think back with a chuckle and remember a time where we “forgot” to tell our mom that is was us, not our friend, who muddied the carpet. Or, that time when we looked away from the teacher’s glare as our neighbor got caught picking up the note that we’d handed to them in class.

In all these cases someone else was passed the blame.

So, who do we blame when marriages go awry?

A professional I deeply admire, Dr. Craig Malkin, wrote this insightful post for Psychology Today, titled, How Kids Can Save Your Marriage. I agreed with him that the overwhelming statistics and studies out there that show a decline of happiness around the birth of a child is not entirely accurate. In his post, he stressed the importance of evaluating couples whose marriages are thriving post-children, rather than only study those that don’t survive.

I certainly don’t want to be flippant about the amount of work it takes to adjust to a child being part of the marriage dynamic. Or, that a lack of sleep for weeks (years) doesn’t place stress on you and your relationship. Or, that you won’t still have disagreements about a new aspect of your relationship that doesn’t come with any manual or guidebook. Parenting is hard. Yes, your priorities shift and you can’t be as spontaneous - like sneaking out to a movie or sleeping in late on weekends (or ever!) With anything in our lives that we truly value or work for; there comes sacrifice. But, if you’re a team it can be the most rewarding and bonding experience a couple can share.

Dr. Malkin’s one simple message for couples: kids don’t kill marriages; adults do.

Since Jim and I began to take stock of our lives, we realized that when you live in a concentric pattern and work your joy from the inside out, you connect with and give to each other and your kids before all else. They should get the best of you. When that happens - everything else seems to fall into place.

When Dr. Malkin suggested that we study couples who are happier after having kids - it got me to thinking. What is it that makes us so happy as a family? What gives us so much peace in our home?

I thought of a few things:

1. Simplicity: We find pleasure in the little things, holding hands and snuggles, laughter, and acting silly as a family, pancakes on Sundays, we jump in leaves and enjoy the “free” stuff that life gives us.

2. Realistic expectations: We stopped yearning for the pre-kid relationship and started to appreciate the post-kid relationship. We had to say to ourselves; it’s changed so get over it. You don’t need to give everything up, but you do need to evolve.

3. Becoming better: We started to spend a considerable amount of introspection time to become better versions of ourselves. When you are both striving for a goal of self-improvement, you naturally start to align.

4. Independence: Supporting the other to be inspired, to work, to play, to enjoy the company of others is one of our keys to success. We’re busy, but we’re happy. We make it home for meals as often as we can, but we still have a balance of independent time to create personal balance.

5. Staying in love: Jim makes me coffee in the morning and I prepare him a gourmet peanut butter sandwich upon request. We slow dance. We go on dates. We sometimes put on a movie for the kids on long drives so we can talk about topics that range from the intellectual to the absurd. We tell our kids that mommy loves daddy and daddy loves mommy. Now that I think back, it was the first full sentence our little boy spoke out loud. Staying in love is maybe the most important part of thriving and not just surviving your relationship after kids join the marriage.

I’m certain there are areas for growth and we aren’t perfect parents/spouses but we’re happy. Not sure what the recipe is for everyone, but we’ve discovered our secret sauce and now when people ask us why we’re so happy - I just blame it on the kids.

Jen

Rise above it. Don’t let it get to you. Brush it off. Be the better person.

We’ve all heard these words before either in someone’s advice to us, or in a time where we’ve doled out the same “helpful” words of wisdom in spades. When faced with criticism we tend to defend, a natural instinct when one feels attacked. Especially when pride comes into the mix - the ego is a powerful weapon, mostly used against ourselves like a gun to the temple when cooler heads should be prevailing.

I had a situation today where I was critiqued for work I was proud of. It hurt. I hated. I drank wine and dreamed up all the words I was going to say in retaliation, one hundred times over in my head. Then I realized…this is boring. My internal dialogue was beginning to annoy my other personalities so I decided to flip this ego on its head.

So (deep breath) I started to write a list of reasons why criticism is a good thing. I came up with a few reasons (although I’m choking slightly when I say this) why criticism will help me to rise above.

1.  We improve. Stepping back and evaluating your work from another person’s perspective makes you better. It isn’t easy, but sometimes we get too close to our work and can’t see those subtle changes that might make it shine.

2.  Our skin gets thicker. We learn that people’s opinions are subjective and if we believe in what we’ve accomplished then we need to own that and be proud of the work as it stands.

3.  We learn about ourselves. Taking time to evaluate our choices is always a good thing. Introspection is key to growth and whether it was intended or not - a kick in the pants from someone who challenges us can be healthy. It’s all in how we respond to the challenge that inevitably defines us.

4.  We become empowered. Thriving not surviving. I heard that quote once and I loved it. I agree that I don’t want to survive life but thrive in life and to thrive means to accept that along the way, people will challenge me. Better to be equipped with the strength and confidence to deal with all kinds of challenging personalities, than to be constantly grasping at who I really am.

5.  Finally - some people can be idiots. And, that is ok too. We all have moments of being the King of Crap City. Respecting our flaws develops humility and affords us the opportunity to forgive. Truthfully, that may be the best lesson of all. No one is perfect. Not them. Not us. No one. We need to get to that place where we are truly inspired to forgive, and at that point we can take whatever anyone throws at us.

So, I’ll leave you all with the words of a brilliant man. Mr. Jack Handey, who said, “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

Perfect. Nothing to criticize there.

JM

What would I say?

I woke up last night with a start. A thought propelled me awake and caught me in the night. They say moms make lists and “they” are right. I scribble ideas, tasks, worries down in my head and check them off as I would in the grocery store. However, unlike the grocery store, I don’t have thousands of products available to me, prepackaged and placed for ease and efficiency - the aisles marked carefully and most of what I need laid out before me. My mind’s aisles are askew with potatoes sitting next to the bleach and the toothpaste nestled under the coffee beans. And quite frequently, my store is just plain out of whatever I’m searching for.

So, when I started to rearrange my thoughts and go through my checklist last night - I realized that this one nagging thought (more like this worry) that startled me awake was a question to myself, “What would I say?”

I realized I’d been thinking about my own mortality. After I had Wyatt, I was reminded why every parent needs a Will. It makes sense - A Will is often created after the birth of a child in response to our realization that we’re now living for more than just ourselves. What many of us don’t think about is that The Will is that last conversation you’ll have with your child. Not because you don’t want to, but simply because you’re not there.

What a strange feeling that gave me. My last conversation with my child would be through a sterile document, explaining to them what ring they could keep and which vase would be theirs?

“What would I say?” It hit me again! What if today, I was gone? What would I wish my kids knew about me? What would I want them to understand about our relationship - and what I wanted for them?. What I’d hoped they want for themselves? So I decided to take today to think about it and write it down.

For Wyatt and Olivia:

What I want you to know is this -

I have moments where I don’t know what I’m doing -  but what I do know is that I am madly and deeply in love with you so if I was ever wrong; blame my brain, not my heart.

I am in love with your dad. Don’t settle for anything less than that never-ever-give-up-best-friend-heartache kind of love.

Be ok with loving yourself first. The happy in our soul grows from the inside out so feed it first and the love will spread like Jack’s magic beans.

Never forget to call your grandparents. They are special and unique and make up a big part of who you are. Our time is fleeting so don’t wish for it back after it’s passed. 

Kick-ass in school. School gives you power of the mind and no one can take that way from you.

Laugh.

Admire people for the right reasons. In my opinion - heroes are humble and are likely not going to make an appearance on MTV Cribs.

Seek others out who exemplify the best of who you want to be and they will make you better - trust me.

Have enough confidence to apologize. Saying sorry takes serious guts and although others may tell you it’s weak - I believe it shows depth and strength.

Finally. Don’t worry.

If I had to leave this world today, trust that you will see me again. Soulmates always find their way back to each other.

With infinite love,

Mom

I finally did it. I’ve accepted my fate. I’m a geek.

After reading this insightful blog post on @PsychToday by Ken Page, a psychotherapist  based in New York titled, How Your Greatest Insecurities Reveal Your Deepest Gifts, I realized it was high time that I came out of the closet. It was now or never, I needed to profess my status as the Chief of Geek Town and just be on my way with it.

I also discovered (after some deliberation) that I’d been hiding a few other embarrassing traits in my proverbial closet. Like my disgusting habit of trying to please, based on an evil desire to make others happy. And, worse! My awful and shameful desire to take on other people’s problems because (you may need to look away!) an empathetic instinct!

Well, now that you’ve stomached the horrors of my confessions and seem to still be reading, I guess I’ll share with you what I learned through all of this eye-popping insight. I actually can’t stop these traits from existing! As much as I try to keep their heads back in their shell - I realize that like Ken says in his post - “that the very qualities we’re most ashamed of, the ones we keep trying to reshape or hide, are in fact the key to finding…our core gifts.”

Ken named the approach The Gift Theory and describes it as a core with rings that move outwards concentrically with our core gifts being at the center of the target. “Since the heat of our core is so hard to handle, we protect ourselves by moving further out from the center. Each ring outward represents a more airbrushed version of ourselves. Each makes us feel safer, puts us at less risk of embarrassment, failure, and rejection. Yet, each ring outward also moves us one step further from our soul, our authenticity, and our sense of meaning. As we get further away from our core gifts, we feel more and more isolated. When we get too far, we experience a terrible sense of emptiness.”

I couldn’t agree more with this statement. I’m sure, much to Jim’s joy (or chagrin I’m not absolutely certain) - I have taken Geekdom to a whole new level. I’ve made the assumption that it’s joy, based on the simple fact that I am happier than I have ever been and with what others may consider to be a life filled with more stress. I’m writing more. I’m more open. I don’t care what people who don’t matter think as much as I used to and I care more about the people that do matter. I also flagrantly embrace my nerdiness by telling dumb jokes that make even my kids roll their eyes. I started a book club called Nerds for Words and my last belly laugh came from rewatching the scene with Uncle Buck in the Principal’s office, recalling what a “silly heart” I used to be.

One last thing before I turn on YouTube to look for more Captain Caveman episodes - next time you want to bury that amazing thing about yourself because it gets in the way of someone’s projection of who THEY think you should be - ask yourself, do you really even care. Isn’t geek the new cool anyway?

JM

A blog @PsychToday moved me to think about how empathy, when motivated by judgement, can cause more pain than we realize, or even intend.

The article titled, Sometimes, What Looks Like Empathy, Isn’t is about a young girl named Lynne, who at 9 years-old was bullied, violently and relentlessly. When her father moved her to another school, the extroverted and sociable teacher, who thought she was being empathetic, pushed her to make friends by assigning them to her. The teacher’s desire to make Lynne sociable (like her) and forcing individual perceptions of what makes for a happy and successful child on her student proved disastrous. And, instead of using empathy to ask “why” Lynne was terrified of meeting new people, making new friends, and integrating into a new peer group, Lynne’s teacher replaced empathy with judgement.

I found this particular topic interesting, especially in light of my recent blog about how our filters shape our perceptions. I realized that we often see certain characteristics in ourselves that we think are of value, or for many reasons have shown us some level of success, or reward and then we feel like everyone else should adopt them. We’ve found that making friends comes easily to us because we’re open. Or, we find that we have an ability to listen because we’re emotionally available. But, what we forget are the counter-traits to those positive attributes. Yes, we’re open, but sometimes that means we can’t filter out true friends, from those who are ill-intentioned. Yes, we’re emotionally available - but not always grounded and able to protect ourselves from absorbing the negative.

What we have to be able to say to ourselves is that we’re willing to take the good with the bad - that we like these traits in ourselves because they offer more reward than pain but what works for us, doesn’t always work for someone else. Most importantly, we need to understand that we’re just the flip-side of the same coin.

What this article did, was make me think of how we’re raising our kids to be micro-versions of ourselves. We guide them on what we know. Really, it makes perfect sense - how do we coach our kids to be something we haven’t yet tried to learn ourselves? This is when it hit me that it is paramount to keep asking the “why” when we see ourselves judging instead of empathizing. We also need to keep learning how to step outside our comfort zones and step into other people’s shoes. We need to wear other “personality hats” so that we can share authentic perspectives with our children. We can’t advise on which path to take, if it is a path yet traveled. Good judgement is based on wisdom and experience, not just what we think to be right. I can only imagine how many times I’ve taught my kids something based solely on one perspective. I can look in a mirror any day - why would I want my child to be an exact replica? I’m looking forward to asking the “why” more often and seeing how my child’s personality takes shape.